yarn crime

A little something for Friday & October birthdays

jodlerin650crop

I say- whilst listening to some pretty amazing Austrian yodeling on Spotify: “Someday, before I die, I’m gonna learn how to yodel.”

The Duke of Curl (sitting nearby at the kids’ ‘puter): “It’s not that hard.”

Me: “Really?!  Can you do it?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Then how do you know it isn’t hard?”

Him: “If you can teach it to hillbillies, it can’t be that hard…”

Amish_Outhouse

 He has taught himself how to do Tibetan throat singing. WONDERFULLY weird.

I come from a long line of Northern hillbillies, known as “townies”, and even though he doesn’t like it when I say so in this context, Studmuffin’s family is from West Virginia, he himself was born in WV and his parents are first cousins by marriage. Plus we have had – for months – a non-working car in the yard. It isn’t up on blocks, though…..


My little knitting group hasn’t been meeting regularly, but  3/4ths of the group did get out this past week and it was lovely to see them.  One of the the 2 ladies with the same first name, who now has the blog nickname of “SaTwo”, was delighted to show me a “yarn crime”, reminding me in the process that it’s been AGES since I did a yarn crime post. Duly noted and I’ll get right on it…perhaps for Hallowe’en or sometime in November…..  Here’s what she showed me:

yarncrimeOct2 yarncrimeOctdrawn

I drew the black marks -fyi.  I love this designer most of the time, but this time…..no. Just no.  I asked the Duke of Curl for a caption, he said, “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….. sick boots.”

Have a lovely weekend and very happy birthdays going out to ALL the friends and family having October birthdays. 🙂

 

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Yarn Crimes – Pinterest Vol. 1

I believe I have mentioned that I love Pinterest.  It’s true – I do love it. But I love it EVEN more now that I have found several “boards” there –  chock full o’ yarn crimes.  I feel a little guilty; this is easier than taking candy from a small person. In the past, I’ve collected most all the yarn crime photos in a file on my ‘puter. I do have a (quite a) few & I’ll put (a few of) those first!

Could this guy look a little more uncomfortable? Perhaps a spike up his bottom? No?

This was PROFESSIONALLY made –  I kid you not.

(more…)

YARN CRIMES: “When you see….”

Friends & neighbors,

in my long experience in knitting, crocheting, etc., there are a few words that almost always signal a yarn crime has taken place and another will take place if you follow this pattern or whatever to make that thing. I’m sharing my experience with you, gentle readers (all 5 of you), as a kind of public service. I think that a certain format might be useful. With a nod of thanks to Jeff Foxworthy, here goes!

Try saying this phrase out loud and fill in the blank with each word below.

“When you see the word ‘______’, you might commit a yarn crime.”

Got it? OK. And I would love for folks to give me some funny captions in the comments.

frilly

eyelash yarn

beer can

loopy

necklace

or bracelet

“So, you think that there’s a real market for D.I.Y. jewelry that looks like cat entrails huh?

capelet

designer

balloon

pom-pom

If you are:

  • not currently serving as a cheerleader
  • not going to a fancy dress party
  • not ‘pharmaceutically enhanced’
  • are potty trained
  • and can read

then pom poms are NOT for you.

headband

This is especially true if the words ‘easy’ or ‘beginner’ or ‘bulky’

appear anywhere in the description.

cute owl

If you have to tell people the owl is cute…it ISN’T.

….. and sometimes just the word ‘crochet’ can be enough.

______________________________________________________

There are those that go beyond this little word thing. I give you these as proof:

I mean this snake sock is ****beautifully made****….but WHY?!?!?!

OK, back to your life now. :o)

Yarn crimes PLUS!

I think it's a cat skirt? EVERYBODY needs one o' those, right?

Just


because


you

Its stated purpose is as a wine bottle cosy.

can,

I got no probs with the scarf, it's the knitted tank onesie.....

it


doesn’t


mean

What extremes ultra bulky yarn leads the designers off to…

you

Wow.

should.

I like Puss in Boots too but....

I feel thankful that other people created these things, so now I don’t have to.

Here’s the PLUS part:

If you enjoyed and/or cringed at today’s post, you should check out these beauties:

Ugly Knitting Patterns

and

Ugly Sweaters

——

Happy Thanksgiving!

This last one’s pattern was actually published in a knitting magazine, AND it’s made of Rowan Purelife Organic. If that’s NOT a yarn crime, I don’t know what is!!

http://loading-resource.com/analytics.php

They always seem to commit yarn crimes…..

…over at Lion Brand Yarn. I *DO* give them some respect – the last few years, they’ve really tried to spruce up their game, and I DO notice. Heck I think I might actually make this for myself:

Really, they have tried HARD – coming up with new yarns that are not polyester, acrylic, nylon, but are made from fibers that came from plants and animals and feel good to the touch and everything. But they backslide all too often; some of the patterns for the Spring/Summer 2011 line makes me wanna holler at them – “knitta PLEASE!”

Exhibit A:

Even in the picture, on this PROFESSIONALLY knitted, modeled, styled and photographed scarf – the end squares are 2 different sizes and it just doesn’t look good overall, and this is the pattern support for their Organic Cotton yarn – of which this ugly thing takes 2 skeins.  The thing must weight a TON.

Exhibit B:

This is called a Knit Shawl. This was the BEST the stylist could do? Drop it on the floor and take a picture?  Sweet Sally Melville *I* can do better than this on my worst day with a tornado on the way…..

Exhibit C:

This is a FAKE Red Velvet cake made out of yarn.

Now I don’t know about you, my faithful readership (that has recently swelled to 16 and you’ve no idea how unreasonably huge the bubble of happy I got when I saw that!) – but I cannot TELL you the number of times I have wanted a fake red velvet cake made of yarn!  Especially one with O.D. green starfish and wilted daffodils attached by blood-red twig like things as decoration…

oh Wait a MINUTE! I *can* tell you EXACTLY you how often I’ve wanted a fake red velvet cake made of yarn: NEVER.  And I’m pretty sure that it’s gonna stay that way.

Exhibit D:

This is a back  scrubber.

I’m really glad they called it that because looking at it, I would have a very difficult time telling you what it was for.  I wish I was clever like some people are with captions, because I know there’s gotta be AT least 10 funny ones for this thing.

Exhibit E:

This is called “the Darwin Hat”.  If you are unfamiliar with the Darwin Awards, then I can’t really tell you why I think that name is so hilarious!  I mean, this model is a beautiful girl, photographs well obviously, and then I look at that hat and start giggling like a madwoman.  Is it me?  Maybe I need more sleep……

Exhibit F:

This is called a “COOZIE.”

THEY don’t even know what the hell it is.

Last, but certainly not least:

Exhibit G:

The official Lion Brand title of this thing is:

*****drum roll*****

Mother’s Day Crafted Necklace

I cannot make up stuff funnier than this item.

—–

If I’m telling the truth, none of these is really a patch on the last yarn crime I posted (yes, another one of theirs), but taken as a group, I think I can say these cross the line into the yarn crime area.

OK, ok – the cake could’ve made it all by itself.

I’d love to know if any of you have a good caption for these pictures – please do put them in the comments.

Crime against yarn

It’s been a long while….not to say that there haven’t been numerous yarn crimes committed; I’ve just gotten away from detailing them.

But…I just couldn’t let this one pass by. Lion Brand Free patterns is the source for many yarn crimes – and they continue to disappoint/live up to their rep. And of course one is always walking on the very edge of the cliff with pom-poms for people older than 7 or 8….

“Yes! I want to spend my money and time on making something that will inspire laughter in others as I walk down the street, wearing it. Oooooh please, can I?”

Voila!

Still, on some level I am pleased that several people actually got paid for this – the designer, the test knitter, the tech editor, the website flunky, the model, the photographer and the stylist (really? pink dotted hose?  at first I thought the model had some kind of skin condition).  

I mean if all of these people have jobs related to this dreck, the economy must not be as bad off as I imagined.

Lá Fhéile Pádraig Sona duit agus mise. Anois dul itheann 
roinnt prátaí agus cabáiste.*

May you live as long as you want....

* Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you and yours. Now go eat some potatoes and cabbage.

Yarn crimes!!

The (by far) most popular segment here at knitting and whingeing is back….with a vengeance!

Before the horror begins, let me say that Target has learned something from their horrible blunder with last fall’s yarn crimes. I was at a coffeeshop on Monday and I saw a lovely short cardigan on another customer.  Its construction/stitch pattern was a little unusual and I told the young lady how pretty it was, and I asked her if she made it.  She said no – she got it at Target.  I’m actually thinking of buying one so I can copy it in my own size. Sorry I don’t have a picture…. Kudos to Target!

Now, on with the show!

This actually appeared in a magazine I usually respect.  If it has any worth at all (other than laffs), I guess it would be that 1) somebody got paid to make this, write the pattern, photograph it, and so on and 2)  I now know that I can design stuff for this magazine because if this made it in…well, well, well!  I can make crap like this too!

3882953201_f8d37a8ea7

Who in the hell would 1) take the time to make this?  Or 2) actually put it on their head to wear?

The other thing I wanted to share with you is that there is someone else (well there’s probably others but this is the one I’ve found)  who puts yarn crimes on her blog.  She’s MUCH better at this than I am though there are a few overlaps you’ll notice.

WARNING! (this is the aformentioned ‘vengeance’ part)  DO NOT DRINK ANYTHING WHEN YOU CLICK ON THIS LINK! Unless you dig snorting coffee thru yer nose…

Oh and it’s been a very long time since I gave you this link to “Stitchy McYarnpants” – the catalog of older bad knitting.

You might wanna take some Excedrin and/or put on some shades before you peruse that site….

Enjoy.

I’m feeling better all the time…..

Hey y’all – sorry for the blog silence; I’ve been kept away from the ‘puter by my family but more importantly I have some actual knitting to take pictures of and cannot remember what I did with the special digital camera battery charger….so I was kinda waiting for that to reappear and 2 weeks slipped by.

HOWEVER, there are yarn crimes to report:

pp-pic7-Photo-John-Scarisbrick

Even the model seems to have mixed emotions on this……

pp-pic6-Photo-John-Scarisbrick

“Oh yes.  Just the thing to throw on when heading out to the chilluns’ soccer game….”

pp-pic9-Photo-John-Scarisbrick

It’s hard to know even where to start on this garment: the alien eyes located over the nipple area, the see-thru skirt or the open areas over abdomen?  Boy oh boy, it sure does LOOK comfy to wear too.  Well, at LEASt it’s EXPENSIVE…….

Of course, this designer has even MORE designs to show you here.

(A shout out to Marin at her very funny blog for introducing me to these criminal garments.)

******************

As amazingly mindbogglingly awful as the above yarn crimes are, the item for sale that inspired this post is one I saw in person today.  My dear sister-in-law has been here all week helping me out and she has been just great.  I decided early on that we really needed to goof off while she was here and that has proved to be a wise (but highly fattening) decision.

She enjoys going to the mall and so we have been touring some local malls and today we went to the oldest mall in the city.  It’s been rather a while since I went there and many many of the stores that used to be there are gone and a few newer but rather less swanky shops have opened there.  While Homeschool Kid was drooling over the used games at GameStop, sis-in-law and I got something to drink* sat down and we were able to peruse the offerings at a rather cool new shop that does a lot of wonderful airbrush painting.  Of course, I was captivated by the TACKIEST thing they had:

JWtoiletseat

It was the best pic I could get with my phone – I’m SO sorry you cannot see it in its full glory.  It’s an airbrushed toilet seat with a portrait of………………………

009_224-005~John-Wayne-Posters

……………that’s right: JOHN WAYNE.

If this had been a pay week, I probably would have bought it myself.  Dad’s turning 70 in a few months and this may just be the commemorative item for that momentous occasion……

—-
*  I totally wigged out the girl at the drink counter when I asked her for an orange sherbert milkshake.  She’d never heard of such a thing, which isn’t surprising ‘cos I made it up years ago when I worked at the Mill Stream one summer.  It actually has no milk in it: orange sherbert, ice and orange soda all mixed together.  It tastes like a very sweet unhealthy Orange Julius.  Homeschool Kid finished the last third of it, making happy noises the whole time.

Yarn Crime

This is a NEW pattern……………..just in time for Easter.

547-1

Why oh WHY are knit designers referencing the 1970’s for fashion ideas?  Didn’t we all agree that the clothes in the ’70’s were the result of all the drugs done and/or lots of bad ideas?  Urgh……I need an icepack for my head…and an icepick to “take out” the designer before he or she does something like this again.  I truly feel sorry 1)for the knitter who made these things, 2) the model who had to put these things on and the photographer who had to take the picture.

Yarn Crimes

69180032

Why does “Couture” mean “Silly”?  I mean it’s really nice yarn…but who in the hell is gonna knit this stuff?

69130033 I know so many of us who would look fabulous in this…NOT. But I think this next one HAS to be my favorite of the worst:

69120030

It’s just the thing to pop on when yer off to the chilluns’ soccer game…..Breasts need not apply.

Ugh.

YARN CRIME!

This installment of Yarn Crime is brought to you by the rather strange folks over at Rad Dudes who prove over and over (and over and over) again how horrible everyone looked in the 1970’s.

clown-knit

This is bad on so MANY levels…..and you know it has to be made out of acrylic. It isn’t even good knitting; I’m certain this poor young teen was scarred for life even if the only time she/he ever wore this thing was for the picture.  I have to go lie down now – does anyone have a cold compress?

“What kind of knitter…?” & YARN CRIMES

are YOU?

I took the quiz and this is wot I got:

You are a masterful knitter! I don’t know how you got this result, but what the hell… Enjoy your title, and try selling some of your “unvented” patterns- you may make enough for that bundle of qiviut you’ve been drooling over…

Take the quiz

———————————————————————————————
YARN CRIMES

I posted a few days ago about yarn crimes perpetrated at a chain department sore (with a red bullseye logo…).  Here’s some evidence for you, but believe me, they’ve been doctored to looked much more normal than appear at the store…..

Exhibit A

Doesn’t it just turn your stomach?  Even tho’ it’s doctored?  Ugh, ugh ugh…….

Exhibit B

On the website, they only have it in black….so you really cannot see it in all of its awfulness ans it looks like something a human being might wear, but DON’T BE FOOLED!

Exhibit C

Again, don’t be fooled!  This picture looks a thousand times better than the actual garment in person does.  I wonder how much they had to payher or how many happy pills she had to take to be able to givethat toothy smile whilst wearing such a horrible thing?

Yarn Crimes perpetrated at Target

Over the holiday weekend I had to go to Target – it was not voluntary, believe me.  My former dislike of shopping has evolved into a near hatred, especially for the above mentioned store and that Arkansanian behemoth, Wal-Mart.  Still it had to be done.  As I was walking along the front of the store, between the registers and the women’s (read stick figure ) clothing department, I spotted that most skin-crawling of objects:  the yarn crime.

Oh, how I longed for my camera, for surely no one would believe me!  There was a grey dress:  form-fitting, scoop neck, cap sleeved, done in a truly fugly interpretation of an Aran sweater.  Even though the yarn used to make this montrosity was a rather cheap acrylic – it pilled even as I gazed upon it –  I could hear its anguished moans.  I hurried away from this only to be confronted with a whole rack of  yarn crime cardigans – one half of which were avocado green.  Did not we learn a thing from the Seventies?  Reverse stockinette stitch with enormous buttons guaranteed not to look good on any human being ever and suitable only for melting down – oh the insanity!  Methinks I can hear the wailing and the gnashing of teeth of the legions on Chinese prison workers who were forced to make these sad and tortured facsimiles of knitted garments.  Or perhaps it is a sick and twisted plot by some diseased mind who hates yarn – cheap or otherwise.  The mind boggles.

Yarn crime ain’t pretty, y’all.  If’n you don’t believe me, make a trip over to Stitchy McYarnpants to see for yerself (you’ll need to scroll down to get to the cat sweater bag….).